So many of us carry grief quietly. Maybe it is from loss, change, separation, or simply the ways life didn’t go as we imagined.
I want to share a very personal story from my own grief journey, not to focus on loss, but to show how even the most overwhelming pain can open a path toward healing, presence, and a new perspective.
For me, grief has become a daily companion. Both my children are gone from this planet, and I deal with their physical absence on a daily basis. At first, my grief was paralyzing. I allowed myself to feel it fully. Then I remembered their love and my gratitude that I got to be their mom. I am now on my healing journey.
My son Daniel left at 25 in 2010 from self-inflicted wounds after years of emotional suffering. My girl, Deborah, left at 33 in 2020 after a painful cancerous sarcoma. Both were sentient beings — healers, spiritual mentors, and highly educated. They were so full of love, which they still shower on their loved ones and those who knew them.
I remember visiting Dan one summer at the University of Wisconsin. He was so solicitous — always deferring to my preferences. We went again to the House on the Rocks, which we hadn’t visited since he was little. The guard turned out to be the same man as years before, and they recognized each other instantly. Dan’s fascination carried us through a grand tour of this amazing place. He always spoke to the homeless and offered a meaningful chat and the money he had. That was who he was.
With Deb, I came to understand what it meant to become present to one’s Soul journey. She never complained, even while living moment to moment during her final months on this planet. When she lived far away from the home she grew up here in Iowa. We spoke often, especially when she had to make decisions. When she asked for my thoughts on decisions, whether to go to yoga class or where to receive radiation treatments, she made sure my answer came from intuition, not “mummying.”
One of her specialties was to honor others with surprise parties. When she asked me what I would like for my 65th birthday, I said, “just YOU.” Even though it was hard for her to get here from Oregon to Iowa, she made it and came in the house in the middle of the night and gave me a wonderful surprise party that she organized from afar. When I went to Portland for my 69th, she brought together many people I knew and loved at her friend’s house for an amazing dinner. That was the way it always was.
Her journey was bright and filled with light and appreciation. As a friend said, “She lived her 33 years more fully than most of us will at age 90.” Her love continues to ripple through so many.
Sometimes I ask myself, Am I still a mom with both kids gone?
You bet I am.
But I had to change my perspective.
Even though I sought out grief counseling and other therapies, I realized I had to do the core work myself.
Here are 3 truths that I had to learn and relearn:
- I am not my thoughts.
- I have a purpose on this planet that I can fulfill.
- I can accept that everyone is on their own journey.
Each time my kids left this planet, I was given my own opportunity for growth. I am becoming more and more resilient, loving and certainly understanding of those who do suffer. This is part of my own journey of service, to help others through their suffering and misfortunes.
A poem by John O’Donohue called For a New Beginning speaks to me on my grief journey
Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
The present. The here and now. This is what creates our future.
By letting go of old wounds that no longer serve me, I am creating a new perspective so that I can live and love more fully. A new habit of visualizing what is possible is replacing anxiety, worry, and attachment to the past.
If this resonates with you…
My own journey through grief, and through redefining my purpose, is one of the reasons I developed The Empowerment Process®. It is a gentle way of releasing old patterns and creating a new internal reality so we can live with more peace, presence, and possibility.
If you feel called to explore your own healing in this way, I would love to support you.