Many of us have experienced loss and grief in these challenging times. Now both my children are gone from this planet and I must deal with their physical absence on a daily basis. Initially, my grief was paralyzing, overwhelming. I allowed myself to experience it fully. And then I remembered their love, and my gratitude that I got to be their mom – to birth and raise them. I am now on my healing journey.
Let me share with you some anecdotes of who my children, Daniel and Deborah were on the planet.
My son Daniel left at a tender age of 25 in 2010 from a self-imposed bullet to his head after years of emotional suffering, and my girl at 33 in 2020 of a very painful, cancerous sarcoma. Both were sentient Beings – healers, spiritual mentors, and highly educated. Both were so full of love which they still shower on their loved ones and those who knew them. That is the love we hope to imbibe and share while we are here.
I remember visiting Dan one summer when he was at the University of Wisconsin. He was so solicitous to me, and would always defer to my preferences. So, we went to the House on the Rocks which we hadn’t visited since he was little. The guard turned out to be the same black man as years before, and the two recognized each other. We were taken care of so well and the fascination of Dan kept us on a grand tour of this amazing place. Another time when we visited Washington DC, Dan always spoke to the homeless even though I coaxed him onward. Any goading onward did not matter. I could not deter him. Dan always gave those who purported to be homeless some $ along with a meaningful chat.
Many years later when Deborah got sick I came to understand that she had to become present to her current reality, letting go of anything that held her back in her evolution. She never complained and was so good at separating her Soul journey from her growing physical disabilities even when she was living moment to moment during her last months on the planet.
While Deb was still here, I kept trying to increase the number of the many healers that she and I knew from around the world where she had lived and traveled. They were constantly working on her. Everyone expected her to live and heal, and were just waiting for that blessed day.
When she lived far away from the home she grew up in, here in Iowa, we spoke often, especially when she had to make decisions. Sometimes it was a concern she had about a boyfriend, or when she didn’t feel well. “Should I go to yoga class this day or not?” Or, more recently she’d ask, “where should I have radiation treatments after her mastectomy.” She always made sure my answer was coming from my intuition, and not my mummying.
I did acknowledge to myself that her awareness was very expanded from the time she was a baby as she described in a high school paper with the topic, My Spiritual Journey. Her journey was so bright and filled with light and appreciation, that her 33 years was fully lived. As a friend said to me, “she lived her 33 years more fully than most of us will at 90.” I still hear about her love that she gave so many friends and me.
One of her specialties was to honor others with surprise parties. When she asked me what I would like for my 65th birthday, I said, “just YOU.” Even though it was hard for her to get here from Oregon to Iowa, she made it and came in the house in the middle of the night and gave me a wonderful surprise party that she organized from afar. When I went to Portland for my 69th, she brought together many people I knew and loved at her friend’s house for an amazing dinner. That was the way it always was.
One of my Astrologer friends was inspiring to me at a time when she was unable to leave her bed. He noted, “The degree of pressure she goes through now is directly proportional to the expression of true liberation that she will receive from facing her limits. She is being brought to the realization that spirit is all that she is, and that spirit is witnessing the limitations of the form which doesn’t always last forever and needs to be modified. She will need her new light body for her mission now. She’s being formed by the pressure into an amazing jewel.”
Sometimes I ask myself, Am I still a mom with both kids gone? You bet I am. But I had to change my perspective. How did I do that? It is definitely different for me now in my life. Even though I sought out grief counseling and other therapies, I realized I had to do it myself.
In the beginning, I was having such a hard time with my own thoughts.. My son’s emotional pain and my daughter’s extreme physical pain and growing disabilities kept coming into my head.
I now acknowledge that I am not the thoughts that I am thinking. I am here to create a new perspective for myself so that I can fulfill my purpose here on the planet.
I must accept that everyone is on their own journey. Each time the kids left the planet is my own opportunity for growth. I am becoming more and more resilient, loving and certainly understanding of those who do suffer. This is part of my own journey of service to help others through their suffering and misfortunes.
I am reminded of a poem by John O’Donnahue that speaks to me. The poem is called, FOR A NEW BEGINNING, and ends with:
Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
I know that the present here and now is what creates my future.
I am learning to integrate all of the powers of my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual bodies.
By being present, letting go of old wounds that no longer serve me, I am creating a new perspective so that I can live and love more fully.
A new habit of visualizing what is possible and what I want to create is beginning to replace my old habit of anxiety, worry and attachment to the past. This new perspective replaces the old one.
I live with the hope we all can be courageous and authentic, and be the energetic blessing to fulfill our most powerful messages. Dan’s story is so uplifting. I wrote his words in a book I titled, How to Hug a Light Being, A Spiritual Journey.
Deborah will be honored in a book that I want to call The Infinity of Love, A Soul Birth. We are all meant to be such a loving presence. This writing is in the offing as I wait until the time is right for my full healing. Although the books are therapeutic in themselves, it is better to be on the other side of the grief and honor their sweet memories.
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